resent

   I was in a class of pain today. I have a rare blood disease that is truly only life-threatening if it triggers an airway swell.

  Why must my wife treat me as her child when it is KNOWN I am no more likely to die than a marathon runner?? LESS chance.

   Not only that, she went over my head, called my doctor- the specialist- to GET HIM to say “Go to ER”. He said, “That would be best.”

Yes.
For him it IS best to say THAT.

She was being forcive. I resent it. Am I not free?
Human? I am NOT risking my life. I do NOT trust the ERs staff. The doctor KICKED MY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL 2 weeks before the Robin Williams shocker. Now I AM TRYING to maintain esteem
for self. Me. My body. My dreams. My world.

In the last year, she accused me of FLIRTING with the nurse before. She got angry once and said, “Why don’t you **** her?”. That ***king HURTS. Flirt? She was gregarious. My wife was in a car wreck before we met. She said she had head trauma.
It is REALLY HARD to have a spouse GO OFF… 20-30 times about the home nurse. I said, “Ok ok… lets switch out nurses.”

We did.

Today she nagged, started sitting ON me as I am in bed. I got UP. I flipped around, stood &
marched to the shower and landed steaming hot water on my BACK, as my gut was having edema.

Its a morbid damned disease. 
   People act morbid when they fear death.

   Why fear a cessation?

   Millions of micro-systems must fail for death.

   I ask her, “Do you WANT me to die?”, because I think secretly people are as happy to deal with illness as a brat is cranky that he must eat brussel sprouts. Maybe he can “off” the sprouts under the table.

    I AM under a TABLE. No one sees how I am treated at home. Yelled at, ground down. She took all the debit and credit cards from me. Last night she said, “Eye doctor appt. tomorrow.” I said, “Does the bank account have enough money for that? The eye glasses?” (I lost mine.)

       She PAUSES. Thinks of a lie and says, “Insurance will cover it.” I wanted her to admit we have money. She drones on about bills. I took my ONE BELT… and cut IT. Know why? Wanna know why? The news gave succinct directions for how to use a belt to induce brain-death through oxygen deprivation. I get abused. I am a big guy. I get sick and funky tired of hearing we have “nothing”.

      When I said, “Stop talking DOWN… you make me want to START to walk into just DWELLING on “Williams-ing” myself… she did not cry. She screamed. The heck if I WOULD. But a scream-nag- is that a “hag hazing”? Hey- I do love her. I saw her thru FIVE YEARS straight of tests. ERs. False alarms many many times.

       I just need peace. Not to be a dill weed, but when her family member was in hospice, she violated their civil rights. She tried to force a dying person to eat and drink. That is a violating action. No one has to eat. Its not suicide to stop eating. Fasting is probably a somaticly comforting thing.

      I get my IV med infused by home nurse for HAE. I would never tell her, partly because she’d have my HEAD, but my attack intensity doubles with home bull shit. Not a home. Four walls. Rented apartment.
People want me to be healed and OVER it to have “fun”.

    My innocence about fun died 27 years ago. I am all about duty and mission. And slack.

   Fresh outta slack.

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