Arpeggio Over My Aorta: Male Familial Stress And Psyche Injuries Galore

      I learned a new way to blog. It involves going to my keyboard and hitting the microphone button. In less than half the time- I am writing. I go back and I fix punctuation and capitalization. Like that.

      You don’t see it. The “you” in the sentence previous to this had a lower case y. I said all that and that’s all I had to fix. With that sentence all I have to do is add a period.

     I feel with this tool… I can get my emotions out well by just speaking. I like to write as I speak anyway. I’m not kidding. That’s for those of you who don’t know about this technology.

On to business…

      So I’m going to continue to use this voice text program…

      Now I want to use a poetry format… but I am going to write it as I am saying it:

I’m not going to pull any punches

A little over 2 years ago something awful started to happen in my family

IT was divorce proceedings in a divorce that was not amicable

my brother and sister-in-law who have 3 children were getting divorced

the paperwork still is not finalized

I do not believe that papers can define feelings or family

court

I was subpoenaed by my sister in laws lawyer

my brother talks a lot

he is 9 years older than me

he is super super super honest

much too honest

a counselor of his encouraged him to tell me something

let me tell you what that was

what it was

my brother told me that he molested me when I was 4 years old and he was 13

my sister in laws attorney used that in court

I was subpoenaed by my sister in laws attorney to testify about my brother being a molester

my brother who has not harmed his 3 children I do believe it I do believe it he was tested by a professional for aberrant behavior and he passed as a normal citizen

a normal citizen

me

I am NOT a normal citizen because I have a rare blood disease that is triggered by neurological stress

the damage done to me through all these proceedings was as follows:

I obeyed the subpoena

I went to the courthouse

I was embarrassed

this was all old stuff

the attorney didn’t use it

I was not called to testify

I only SAT there feeling horrible

after

after this my mom who had married a new man moved out of town

she moved 200 miles away

four to five hour drive

my father passed away

my mother does not talk about my father anymore at all

that hurts my feelings

something else is worse…

new guy

the new guy put down my father has passed away to my face

family name is Giesbrecht

I am one

I change my legal name because everyone always screws it up on the phone. I change my last name to Harrison after my father in law Harry.

my mom’s new husband talks about my father like he was ungodly

it makes me angry

the new man is also wealthy

I am NOT

I have little money I am ill often and I do not have opportunities to work often

I am on disability

there’s something else

besides slamming my father

besides putting down my father is deceased the new man who is married to my mother says things to me about my illness

he has called it a curse

he says I have to pray for it to be healed

He smokes cigarettes about a pack a day? that isn’t healthy

I have tried to gently confront him before. that doesn’t work

I have tried to confront my mom before about things she says that our upper crust talking down to me

that does not work

what then?

well I just assumed these are parental unit problems in this not any of my business to try to fix my parental or otherwise units in my life to respect my elders is my goal I focus on my life and to protect my wife

I just said that and it wrote it out as text how cool

things that I want to tell somebody

I want to say that I love life

I love the kids in the family

I understand my oldest brother to a degree

I understand his wife ex wife to a degree

the kids hurt

I feel that to a degree

my other brother feels hurt over it

my other brother still hurt over our family upbringing

sounds like something for counseling huh?

but I have treatments every two days IV intravenous medication

I have hereditary angioedema

the hereditary type is rare

how rare?

one in fifty thousand

taking stock

I have:
bipolar
PTSD
hereditary angioedema
neuro fibromas
     (non cancerous tumors)
    on the bottom of my right
        foot.  and on the bottom
        of my left foot

I was in the work force for 20 years with ups & as a cashier & as a unionized painter

I can make art. I have had art shows.

I was laid off in 2008 when the recession hit.

I help my wife take care of her dying mother.

she died in July of cancer in 2010

my wife and I went into debt helping her

my father in law is an amputee he was a widower

we stayed in touch with him closely. while the rest of the family worked or played.

he got a new caregiver.

ended up marrying her.

its not funny and its not a good thing.

she has a criminal record and there is nothing we can do about it after all the talking we have done with the police department… and all the talking with DHS adult and Family Services

oh yes… he rewrote his will to give her half of a million dollars and two houses and to us nothing.

he has dementia but he will still mock us and it hurts.

my mom and her husband say things to me and my wife that hurt. my moms husband said that the mother in law and father in law could hurry up and die… so that we can go on

obviously that’s when we would be free right? but why say that?

survive and thrive

I need to eat drink have rent paid and have medicine

I need my wife to be happy I need to be able to help her be happy

we cannot skimp on nutrition and medicine

I have felt turned away in my lifetime I can tell you that

I can certainly tell you I feel like a reject sometimes

I can definitely tell you I don’t feel like much of anybody

I can tell you it feels like a curse but I refuse to call it that with things don’t go as planned

for when things don’t go at all

bed

it’s time for me to go to bed

I’m sitting in my car writing this

I’m smoking a pipe. It is lame.I say because I think tobacco is very much not healthy but I don’t get pain medicine very often. only in ER!!

I wish my pipe was a special pipe…  do you know what I mean? but there is no spiritual laws that says I have to have exactly this or that to be happy. Legalize this & that. Huh. I have to surf life crazy foot on both FEET… NO BOARD. SHITNESS!

there is in fact a sane kind of suffering

do you know
or do you want to know
I called seen suffering

?  ?  ?

la paciencia

the patience

in Greek patience is defined as long suffering

this means settling down for a long ride

how else can you take the tedium on- so that it doesn’t become torture??

I want to say I’m thankful to my Savior but I don’t want to sound religious. I want to sound realistic. I don’t need a healer. I need a shaman will tuck me in tonight and hi-5 me.

like Casper the ghost only better

Thanks

good night

wait………

wait…..

Uh wait………………..

just kidding I can’t believe you fell for that

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