Sit-down Comic

     If I was to do comedy, I’d bring a chair. If you have to instruct people, SITTING is more humble than standing. Less intimidating. More manipulative to stair down at an audience with equal comfort. Why? Why not?

      I would love to beat up an audience from a chair with a couple of cans of 211. One filled with WATER so they can’t tell if its the alcohol making them laugh, or me. I’d bring dozens of yellow roses so each guy gets one. Then I’d say, “Now give it to your #1 girl”.

       Then I’d say, “Trick question!” as 70% immediatly obey… “Yellow is for FRIENDSHIP, not for LOVERS.”

      Then I would look and POINT and say, “YOU… YOU… AND YOU!!”, pointing at the men who would statisticly hesitate for whatever innocent reason. Then I’d juggle them, saying, “SHE IS YOUR FRIEND AND LOVER TOO, correct??”

       Then I bring out a 5 gallon bucket that says “RED PAINT” on it. “C’mon up, boys!”, I’d shout. Then when they get on stage they’d see in the bucket only a pliers and a to-do list written in FINE handwriting.

       The to-do is labelled “Before I Self-immolate On Stage” of everything I just did except for one square that says “take 3 guys pinkies off.”

     Then I say, “You guys ready? I am practically ON FIRE HERE!”

Just kidding.


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