That’s okay. I love them and suffer.
How does that work?
I am told FROM THE INSIDES OF myself that I am okay. And its not self-help, shelf-help or depending-on-a-yelp help… I have wavered in faith and character, but God is good to me. He saw my country through an attack, he is real as the bible scrolls say.
Will I be good to HIM today?
Huh. I don’t know. But I know he will be good to me today as he has seen me through death of young friend, molestation, health woes, mental breakdown, physical, attack on the street 3x- once beaten, the other two I reported, a Dugard style torture- no joke- police report in Detroit Co. And near drowning.
Wanna see what’s under the hood? Tats. Scars. Burns.
I think I’m a target.
I am disabled. Damm. It really slows me down. Probably what I need for life- a body that is a sluggish prison, now age 40- a station until Gary Larson’s space cows come get me. My body is fit and equipt, encoded with captain log, memory, no chips, a little dip, and a cabin where I sleep.
I am kidding. But I am getting tired of life. I’m 40, very disabled. I have to go back to work- but not too much or SSDI cuts off. I earned more than they give me. I am owed 1974-2009 @ $14k a year. That’s almost half a million dollars I have been cheated out of by doctors then government.
I have a debt of only $30k. I feel so dishonoured. I began to attempt suicide twice this year. I am stressing my wife out to death. I want to live. I feel the world would be better off without me if the great wise Robin Williams felt THAT WAY.
I was just told by my own mom, “If you need meds and have no money, you just have to go without. Thanks. Bless the ma. I ignore and abhor that statement. My wife and I suffer BIG TIME. WE ARE TOTALLY SCREWED. I WAS NOMINATED #1 BLOG NOT RECEIVING “THE” PRIZE AND
I AM CONTEMPLATING THE PHILOSOPHY OF DEATH EVERY DAY.
Suicide, is not a choice I believe. Its an unchoice. If you do it, I bet its out of body because we are all really just planted elsewhere and return when we cease.
If anyone can help, be my family. Tell me we will make it. I didnt realise today how much it is getting to me.