The ocean was purple and green and blue. I left the sand and walked into the water. A choir of black men and women sang my name and the glory of Almighty God Excelcis. They wore pearl blue robes. The sky was pink. They sang standing on the waters. Below were shadows and sharks. It was intense. Intense!
I woke, gasping for air and slapped the nurses’ button. “I’m dying… I don’t want to die, I said, crying.” Bad lucid dreams are a side effect of going off lithium. Its like bungee jumping that goes on for days, even past a week. Its embarrassing. Your subcoscious flushes. A nurse came in, didn’t turn on the light. Freaked my roomie out. I insisted I could die.
I have been diagnosed as bipolar and had that dx taken away. I’m dxed with PTSD. I have a blood disease that is neuropathogenic. Its complicated.
So that was reassurring.
The first major time I had trouble going off of lithium while going to college. I ended up drolping out. (I was guided by an RN to do so), I spent 9 days in a psych ward. I literally went “lunar”. Basicly, while on “high mental cycle, I sought intently a “natural” imprint in the world etc. that would ID God. I found it and went looney. Looney or lunatic comes, I believe, from the moon.
I went nuts beause of the moon, but this is why- the heavenly bodies of the Earth, moon and sun are all different. But they are all relative, too. The Earth blacks out the moon, the moon, blacks out the sun. The ancient language for moon and sun are greater and lesser lights. This is but one and probably the largest stellar example of a “creator signature” that God has a greater and lesser self. God is magestic, yet humble and serving as an ideal christ figure.
After I felt I had discovered my God had signed his name in the heavens, I completely short circuited. I considered myself completely unworthy, awful and faithless. My first act of this new “faith” was to leave bible college. Ye. I was going to Bible college. They were glad to see me leave after I broke down. I got suicidal. Many students who attende there ended up killing themselves. Not me. I watched my God die. I watched him come back. It was because I died.
So I told all this to my suicidal roommate. He said he was a wolf and a son of the moon. When I told him the moon was the shepherd and that’s what I believe, he thought about it. I think it all worked out because my brother the wolf needed someone to get inside and tell him he needs to live!
My mom thought he was dark. Fuf. Yeah. He had no parents. What’s he supposed to do? Enjoy every Christmas? I hope he didn’t kill himself.
And a nurse sat with me before I left. I went to speak. She said no, just look out the window. Someone to wait with me. Lovely, really.