Nanosecondarily

Blue sky.
Rolling wave.
Surge of water pushes my body.
(I’m exhausted from treading water
    in breakers.)
Another wave pounds my ear.
Ah c’mon.
I’m going to die?
Like this?
Family on the beach.
I’m stupid.
Louie.
The kids.
Oh… I feel so embarrassed.
If I die I want people to know where
   I am (or sank)
(Waves are too heavy to search and
   rescue, no lifeguards, warning of
   rip tides. THIS WASN’T a rip,
   though.)
Sunlight.
Sunlight.
Sunlight.
Sunlight.
Try turning on my side.
Do it.
Do it.
Ah, I’m up.
(I stopped ssupporting my weight
    by treading and now it’s 5 times
    easier to float.)
Oh God!
On my side.
God, yes.
I’m going back in?
(Wave was pulling me out.)
Lungs burn.
I swim.
Water is no longer hitting my face
    100%.
I side stroke.
I’m heavy.
Side stroke.
Go. Go. Go. Go.
Go. Go. Go. Go.
Put a foot down…
NO SAND!
Back up.
Go! Go! Go!…
(I had stepped off a hidden ledge of the beach going instantly from 3 feet deep to 15 feet deep. At that precise moment the water receeded with me in over my head. I was NOT swimming. It was NOT a sneaker wave. It was NOT a simple riptide situation. But I used a riptide counteractive swimming stroke. I am not a good swimmer.)
Continuing to swim.
Angular.
In?
I’m not looking.
Everything goes until I swim.
All the way in.
I’ll swim across the sand.
I’ll swim on the asphalt,
   leaving skin and blood…
I’ll swim up a tree.
I’ll swim forever if I have to.
(The ocean bay there in Seaside, Oregon is a place for surfing, not swimming. There I was. I believed that I was going to go to Hell. To die and go to Hell. True, my lungs were already on FIRE. The thought of the darkness under salinous brackish diseased sea water was a land-lubber’s life-hating casket iron maiden coming for MY WHOLE WORLD! I’M GONNA DIE! NO! NO NO NO NO!!! I can’t say goodbye & its MY FAULT. THIS IS SO STUPID. JUST LIKE THIS… just like this… without a goodbye… without a kiss… I know I am making a widow.)
Fight.
Kill.
Destroy.
Test.
Dominate.
Kill.
Kill.
Kill the killer.
Test the ground.
Test the sand.
(Foot down. Fwoosh. Caught sand!)
Go.
More. Harder.
Go.
Go.
Go.
.
.
.
.
Test it again.
.
.
.
(Foot down. Bang! Water is only 3 feet deep.)
.
.
.
(Standing. Looking back. Hell yeah.)
.
.
.
(Walking in, water runs off my head, shoulders…)
.
.
.
(I step onto the sand. As many as the sands reflect to me are stars worshipping ME! I am Appolo! I am undestroyed and therefore indestructable!! I am Apollo.)
.
.
.
(Fuck the ocean.)
.
.
.
.
(My God, that was so damn close.
Oh my God. Oh my God. The air. My body is neplsultra. I could have died! This is so frickin’ killer! I just got the SHIT beat out of me!!!)
.
.
.
Wow. . . . .

I have never had anyone take me that close to death. I don’t want to feel the pain again, but it was a beautiful time. I can only replay it “nanosecondarily”.

Okay, so that’s all.
I didn’t want to die like
my dad’s dad did.

I haven’t told that one….

Salud

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